The homeschool world is teeming with negative pressure. And it seems we are constantly worried about doing everything ‘right’, but there is a time when homeschool pressure is priceless and positive.
I was thinking back to a mini unit study we did on diamonds. I was in awe of how some beauty is discovered, like a diamond, which is formed through intense heat and pressure.
The name diamond comes a Greek word adamas meaning unconquerable and whatever the complexities of how diamonds are formed, the end result is a precious and valued gem.
At the time of doing the unit study, I was homeschooling a strong-willed child, you know a rebel.
I learned a parenting technique from our everyday learning or unit study.
Not wanting to curb my rebel’s enthusiasm for doing things outside the box, I still had to strike a balance between what I would and would not accept when the little dear told me one day he wasn’t going to do his school.
Finding the line between rebellion and resistance is not easy because they can be very different.
I have never minded a child that disagreed with me or was resistant because it is a sign that he was testing the ability to make good decisions as he got older.
However, rebellion is quite different and I had to have sanctions.
A strong-willed child can be molded like a diamond as I learned. It required just the correct amount of heat and pressure.
Pressure can be a good thing for our children when applied correctly. This is not the same as forced learning which can ruin the natural love for learning.
Like a diamond, some natural pressure is necessary in order to achieve goals.
Along with the resistance to this pressure there is usually rebellion.
I had to learn to look past the nasty looks from my teen to find the root of the problem.
I am not saying overlook rebellion. I have learned to take a teen’s bedroom door off its hinges when needed.(yes don’t slam that door on me, )
I had to come up with a plan for a child that is defiant and strong-will.
Here are some tips that will and will not work.
- As adults we all want a voice when it comes to determining what part of the day we want to do housework, do school, relax or just zone out.
Children are much the same.
Give them an ear to show you care and if you can, incorporate their suggestion into the day.
Too, no matter how much you may think it can’t be done, let them try.
Failure is a good teacher. But also, try to make their suggestions work. Show yourself a willing participant in their plan.
- Expectations need to be clearly defined without resorting to losing your temper.
I have a son who tried to push the limits. One day he just decided that he was not going to do math.
He was not going to do it lying down, he was not going to do it sitting up, he was not going to do it outside, he was not going to do it inside. (okay, okay)
The advantage I have though as mom teacher is that I know when he is feeling bad and when he is copping an attitude. That day, it was attitude because he decided he wasn’t going to do it. And he didn’t during school hours.
I had to think how to handle this rebellion because one quick-tempered child to one quick-tempered mother does not a good combination make and I knew it.
So my expectations were very clear that he was doing his math. I told him he was going to do it and I did it without resorting to threats or hollering.
At the end of the school day and because it was Friday, we were on our way into the living room to watch a movie and have ice cream.
When he showed up to be with us, guess what he could not do?
And because I knew movies and ice cream were the “object of his affection”, I just withheld them.
Did I mention how calm I was as as his sweet, little precious nostrils flared out and blew steam?
He got the message and completed his math in 20 minutes, which had been a tug of war for the whole day.
This type of personality needs very CLEAR expectations and then FOLLOW THROUGH on consequences. I learned a valuable lesson too.
- What will not work is argumentative words.
This type of personality thrives in an environment where he is waiting to debate with you. Just-dare-me can be their motto at times.
Be reasonable and calm, yes hard to do, but think about your other children looking on.
This strong-will child just needs boundaries and will push them and test them.
Defiant, willful, rebellious and confrontational are a few traits of this type of child. This is only what is displayed on the outside.
If we examine our child closer, we see that the inside person can be different if we give a lot of tender and sometimes tough love.
Unlike the diamond, I am not looking to conquer him or break his spirit.
A strong spirit can set him apart from others and when channeled, he can rise up as a strong fierce leader.
Negative traits can be guided to determined, willing and respectful traits.
Value, nurture, guide and be determined to polish your priceless gem in the making.
I thought about this quote when it comes to what it really takes to homeschool a willful and defiant child.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
What about you? Do you have a precious gem you are raising?
I am here to tell you as a young man now, my ‘rebel’ is fiercely determined and resolute when he sets out to do something and yes, he listens to me too.
I love that rebel turn spirited and passionate person he is today.
Hugs and love ya,
