The homeschool world is teeming with negative pressure. And it seems we are constantly worried about doing everything ‘right’, but there is a time when homeschool pressure is priceless and positive.
I was thinking back to a mini unit study we did on diamonds. I was in awe of how some beauty is discovered, like a diamond, which is formed through intense heat and pressure.
The name diamond comes a Greek word adamas meaning unconquerable and whatever the complexities of how diamonds are formed, the end result is a precious and valued gem.
At the time of doing the unit study, I was homeschooling a strong-willed child, you know a rebel.
I learned a parenting technique from our everyday learning or unit study.
Not wanting to curb my rebel’s enthusiasm for doing things outside the box, I still had to strike a balance between what I would and would not accept when the little dear told me one day he wasn’t going to do his school.
Finding the line between rebellion and resistance is not easy because they can be very different.
I have never minded a child that disagreed with me or was resistant because it is a sign that he was testing the ability to make good decisions as he got older.
However, rebellion is quite different and I had to have sanctions.
A strong-willed child can be molded like a diamond as I learned. It required just the correct amount of heat and pressure.
Pressure can be a good thing for our children when applied correctly. This is not the same as forced learning which can ruin the natural love for learning.
Like a diamond, some natural pressure is necessary in order to achieve goals.
Along with the resistance to this pressure there is usually rebellion.
I had to learn to look past the nasty looks from my teen to find the root of the problem.
I am not saying overlook rebellion. I have learned to take a teen’s bedroom door off its hinges when needed.(yes don’t slam that door on me, )
I had to come up with a plan for a child that is defiant and strong-will.
Here are some tips that will and will not work.
- As adults we all want a voice when it comes to determining what part of the day we want to do housework, do school, relax or just zone out.
Children are much the same.
Give them an ear to show you care and if you can, incorporate their suggestion into the day.
Too, no matter how much you may think it can’t be done, let them try.
Failure is a good teacher. But also, try to make their suggestions work. Show yourself a willing participant in their plan.
- Expectations need to be clearly defined without resorting to losing your temper.
I have a son who tried to push the limits. One day he just decided that he was not going to do math.
He was not going to do it lying down, he was not going to do it sitting up, he was not going to do it outside, he was not going to do it inside. (okay, okay)
The advantage I have though as mom teacher is that I know when he is feeling bad and when he is copping an attitude. That day, it was attitude because he decided he wasn’t going to do it. And he didn’t during school hours.
I had to think how to handle this rebellion because one quick-tempered child to one quick-tempered mother does not a good combination make and I knew it.
So my expectations were very clear that he was doing his math. I told him he was going to do it and I did it without resorting to threats or hollering.
At the end of the school day and because it was Friday, we were on our way into the living room to watch a movie and have ice cream.
When he showed up to be with us, guess what he could not do?
And because I knew movies and ice cream were the “object of his affection”, I just withheld them.
Did I mention how calm I was as as his sweet, little precious nostrils flared out and blew steam?
He got the message and completed his math in 20 minutes, which had been a tug of war for the whole day.
This type of personality needs very CLEAR expectations and then FOLLOW THROUGH on consequences. I learned a valuable lesson too.
- What will not work is argumentative words.
This type of personality thrives in an environment where he is waiting to debate with you. Just-dare-me can be their motto at times.
Be reasonable and calm, yes hard to do, but think about your other children looking on.
This strong-will child just needs boundaries and will push them and test them.
Defiant, willful, rebellious and confrontational are a few traits of this type of child. This is only what is displayed on the outside.
If we examine our child closer, we see that the inside person can be different if we give a lot of tender and sometimes tough love.
Unlike the diamond, I am not looking to conquer him or break his spirit.
A strong spirit can set him apart from others and when channeled, he can rise up as a strong fierce leader.
Negative traits can be guided to determined, willing and respectful traits.
Value, nurture, guide and be determined to polish your priceless gem in the making.
I thought about this quote when it comes to what it really takes to homeschool a willful and defiant child.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
What about you? Do you have a precious gem you are raising?
I am here to tell you as a young man now, my ‘rebel’ is fiercely determined and resolute when he sets out to do something and yes, he listens to me too.
I love that rebel turn spirited and passionate person he is today.
Hugs and love ya,
Ann says
This is so encouraging to me, Tina! I am so quick to respond with a temper of my own… sigh. And I HATE having to administer consequences, because I WANT my child to have the fun of the movie and ice cream with us, plus I like having them there and so it feels like a consequence to me, too! But one of us has to be the adult. Thanks for good ideas and the hope that it will get better. 🙂
Tina Robertson says
Hey Annie,
I feel the same way too sometimes. It’s hard at times to school AND be the meanie..lol But I agree, kids need parents and not another “friend”..lol
Gale says
This was a good word today! My oldest is much like you described (flaired nostrils and all). It is very, VERY hard sometimes to stay calm when his anger bursts. Not long ago I asked him to get off of the computers because his time was up…which caused an outburst, which started and argument, and lead to door slaming, ect. .All of which was actually caught on tape because he was filming a YouTube video (which I didn’t know the time). I did not react great to the outburst (I did raise my voide, though it was still in the “loud and firm” category, not the “crazy woman shouting” category)…and he came with the video to show me after he had calmed down.
I apologized for getting angry, and then rewound it to HIS reaction to me asking him to get off the computer (backtracked it?..what’s the word for that now?). It wasn’t shouting, it was screaming. And I said, “This doesn’t excuse my reaction…but can you see where you were screaming at me really loudly…I actually sound pretty calm compared to what I had just gotten from you. I didn’t know I had interrupted your video, and no, I didn’t listed to why you were so upset, which I should have…but do you see where you were a little hard to listen to then? I understand why you got upset when I shouted…can you understand why I did too?”
So, it worked out…but there was a lot of drama that could have been avoided in the first place if I had not lost my cool.
Gale recently posted…Our Homeschool is “Play School”
Tina Robertson says
I am so glad you shared Gale and to know that I am not the only that this happened to.
I can’t imagine being recorded 🙂
But you know sometimes with kids like this, raising your voice lets them know you mean business without losing your cool.
I hear ya about losing your cool, but I so love your apology to him because this lets him see that you’re human too, but you still maintain authority.
Motherhood is hard enough then to add in a rebel can push us to our limits.
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience.
It helps all of us to not feel so alone when we get a child like this, but to know too that they can turn out to be FEARLESS makes us keep on.
Thanks again Gale.
Michelle says
It sounds like you would have had less resistance if you simply fed him green eggs and ham:)
Seriously, though, I thank you for this article. This kind of issue is one that has made me question home school altogether!
Tina Robertson says
lol lol I AGREE Michelle 🙂
Too, though it’s NOT the homeschooling, but it’s the attitude.
I would rather my problems face me right from the beginning and head them off then, than him being away from me and having this attitude in public school.
Attitude is normal whether homeschool or public school.
It’s just that with homeschool, I can see it coming and correct it, so it doesn’t get out of hand,kwim?
I hope that helps some.
Identifying the problem is key to succeeding in homeschooling.
Some days it’s the school, other days it’s the kid.
Have a super day and thanks for sharing!