From the depths of my heart, I feel that homeschooling is the ideal choice for any family. Reality is though, that there are just some people who are not willing or don’t have the circumstances to homeschool – yet. Kids being bullied, kids that have a compelling desire to move ahead academically and kids struggling with learning especially benefit from homeschooling.
Is Homeschooling The Last-Ditch Effort?
However, I have on more than one occasion discouraged parents from starting to homeschool because the truth about delaying a start to homeschooling is that there are 3 things that you want to consider before you dive into homeschooling.
Look at these 3 reasons why you should consider delaying a start to homeschool until you have time to address them.
1. If there is more of a discipline problem than an educational problem.
Several times as a homeschool leader, I have spoken to lawyers, locked horns with public school counselors who were not informed of current homeschooling laws and even testified in court one time. Most of the time the parents had behavioral problems with their kids.
Disciplining desperation led parents to homeschooling.
I had to think about testifying in court on behalf of two families that wanted their 15 year old children homeschooled because the daughter of one family was pregnant by the son of the other family.
Now, they wanted to homeschool. That is what I call the ugly side of homeschooling because families are not embracing homeschooling because they believe in the value of it or they are trying to head off some disciplinary problems before they happen.
I wouldn’t take parents in my homeschool workshop that are now wanting to homeschool because their child were in drugs or mischief. It may sound harsh, but there are two very different classes of parents who come to homeschool.
There is the class that believes in it because of all the advantages a child has (and I don’t mean those parents who thought they never would homeschool and are homeschooling) and then there are those that come to it because they don’t have a choice because they were not involved parents.
Parenting is a hard job and sometimes no matter what we do, teens will make their own choices.
It may be no fault of the parent, but then again the relationship with the child is what needs to be worked on now instead of the educational system.
In the end, I decided to testify for those two families that wanted to “homeschool” because they were both expecting their first grandchild from two 15 year old kids and because I knew they didn’t have many options.
My heart was absolutely broken for both families. It was not homeschooling like it should be, it was just being homebound. Look at my article, What is REAL Homeschooling? Homebound, Co-op or Public School at Home.
2. When one parent is completely against it.
I am not talking about a scenario when Dad may be skeptical and wants you to prove it to him the year you start, but where he is flat out against it.
Having a family and successful marriage is tough enough these days without adding to the stress of it. Marriage doesn’t afford you the luxury of avoiding controversial subjects.
If homeschooling is a controversial subject now, then it will always be until you both see eye to eye on it. If your husband is against homeschooling, don’t nag him, but graciously keep showing him all your well thought out research.
As long as he wants to continue talking about it, then keep on discussing it. But I have never encouraged a spouse, husband or wife, to go against the wishes of the other.
There are more things than academics to teach kids when you bring them home to school and one very important thing is teaching them how to work out things in a marriage. Agree first to homeschool and then homeschool in peace.
3. Lack of support system.
Sad to say, I have seen many parents bring their teens home to school only to leave them alone at home every day while they work. Teens are at various levels of maturity and while some can stay home and stay self-motivated each day, others still need some kind of support.
A support system doesn’t have to be a whole lot of people. It can be just one family member or a trusted close friend that will help you when you need it. By the teen years, most kids can work independently. Independently doesn’t mean always being alone or not having someone to supervise their work or monitor their success or lack of it.
Ideally, a family will meet with more success if the main homeschooling parent, which normally is mom in a lot of cases can dole out a bit of time each week to go over the child’s assignment.
Even if she has to work full time, spending a bit of time each week with her children, no matter how self-sufficient her children are is the best gift you can give to your children. Your kids still need parental guidance and supervision to make the shift to being responsible adults.
I have helped single moms and single dads learn how to begin to homeschool their children while they worked because they had a plan in place which is to get grandpa or grandma to help so their children were not alone all day.
One single mom that I helped even gave up some of her independence and made the decision to move back in with her parents (of course her parents were on board with it too). Her daughter would not be alone during the day and the grandparents and homeschooling mom worked out an arrangement where the homeschooling mom provided a good amount of income for all of them.
When the Going Gets Tough Do the Tough Really Need to Get Going?
Many years later after her daughter graduated, I heard from that mom as she came to me with tears of appreciation in her eyes.
I am no good when somebody else is crying, I have to join in too. I told her then that I was the one grateful for her friendship and that she taught me the power of a strong-willed parent and the value of a support system.
Homeschooling is not always about what we want, but what we are willing to give up so that we can homeschool. I learned so much from that single homeschooling mom.
Too, homeschooling is not about educating at all costs even at the cost of your marriage or sacrificing the relationship with your children.
Have you carefully weighed the cost of homeschooling?
Hugs and love ya,
In the meantime, go through my 31 Day Free Homeschool Boot Camp and look at Go Ahead and Make a Mistake: Homeschool Without Fear and Homeschooling – Beginnings are Usually Scary, Endings are Usually Sad, but It’s What’s In the Middle that Counts!
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Hi Tina, I am a retired homeschooling mother. I graduated three of my children after homeschooling them all the way through and my youngest is in 10th grade at an excellent military Preparatory School. I also counseled parents while I was home schooling and did workshops and spoke at conventions. It does indeed get very messy when parents decide to homeschool later. What I observed is that anytime after 3rd 4th or 5th grade, the child has come to believe that their parents are somehow not as smart as teachers! I used to kid about them taking a class called your parents are stupid 101 in elementary school.
The only place I have some disagreement with your article is at number 1 with disciplinary issues with a teenager. While I would totally agree that there’s probably only about a 50-50 chance that homeschooling would help, I would in most cases encourage it. At least for a time. That would, of course, depend on the situation and how much the parents were willing to put into it. I have observed relief from simply getting them out of a toxic school environment in many cases.
Homeschooling is most certainly about what a parent is willing to give up to make it work. And yes, often what the parent was not going to sacrifice in the first place is why there are problems.
Hi Karen,
I so enjoyed reading your comment this morning. So encouraging and full of insight!
I tend to write long blog posts because I always have so much to say and probably didn’t articulate as well.
Though I do agree 100% with that taking them out of school would help, I tried to stay focused on it being a discipline problem.
Look here at how I feel
Why My Homeschooled Kids Are Not Given the Choice to Go to Public School
https://tinasdynamichomeschoolplus.com/2016/08/12/homeschooled-kids-public-school/
Focusing on the discipline problem with teens, no matter where a child is, it won’t help IF the parent is not willing to discipline. It’s just that I can’t say that homeschooling would be the 100% cure.
I think discipline problems may be minimized if they take them out of school, but it doesn’t mean the negative behavior has been rooted out if they ONLY take them out and not address the problem. The problem can go away (or seemingly) if the problem is not addressed and then reappear later..
You and I both know from having teens and have kids finished that sometimes no matter what we do a young adult may choose his own course. (sad, I know you agree.)
On this post though, I was focused more on the parents lack of discipline or thinking that homeschool was going to be the ‘end all remedy’. It can’t be unless a parent parents…
Anyway, I so enjoyed your valuable comments and thanks for given me the chance to clarify and certainly would have loved to hear you speak…Have a super day
Hello Tina
Thanks for your insights on this topic. I am sure that others will find your thoughts as helpful as I did. Despite being far away, your ministry of encouragement to home educators will continue to bear fruit.
Thank you Anthea!
Hello Tina
This is a fascinating post. I have learned much from it. Our offspring have never attended school, but that is unusual in the UK. Most home edders see something going wrong for their child in primary school (age 4-11); a lost love of learning, poor educational provision, or bullying.
The discipline issues you identified are sometimes seen at the secondary age (teenagers). From what I understand, a child can become progressively more unhappy and/or disruptive, at which point many schools encourage the parents to home educate — just to get rid of the child and his problems. The parents have no clue what to do next — especially since our local council has scrapped the two home education advisers.
What I had not considered were the parents who decide for themselves that, “Homeschoolin’ will fix it.” Taking charge of your child’s education is a glorious, but serious, commitment. You have to put your hand to the plough and not look back. I found your article very enlightening about this.
PS Since it was my husband who announced in Jeremiad tones, “This child can’t go to school,” while I was pregnant, he was clearly pro home education. He persuaded me! We are therefore unusual home educators on two counts — the father was the instigator, and our children have never been to school.
PPS What about the parents — often Christian — who have their doubts about school but decide, against their instincts, to put the children in and then change their minds? What about the parents who go with the cultural flow and then see that school isn’t working — perhaps after many years of trying to make school work? I’m asking because it seems that you have lots of experience with supporting new home edders and would have some knowledge about this. I think that with the Common Core in the USA and the National Curriculum here in the UK, there will be lots of parents in the future who realise that school is toxic for their children. Can they make home ed work, or is it possible to leave it too late?
Anthea,
I loved reading about your journey so far. And you must be the unusual family in the UK where your children have never been to school!
Also, I hope you don’t feel alone or too far away by being “here”. I hope in some small, but hopefully, meaningful way you feel connected when you come here. I feel your passion for home education and love it!
About your last question, I feel it’s never too late to bring your child home and I am of the opinion we can never give up on our kids. There is a point, however, were kids may give up or stop trying.
It is harder at that point to undo several years of public school mentality.
Some parents have their hands full with the every tug of life, other children that need a parent’s attention and our own frame of mind that adds to the mounting pressure. From that standpoint, some parents find themselves exhausted and just know that the minute their child is the age of adulthood, he or she are out of the house.
I have seen that many times too. The child isn’t necessarily interested in a relationship with the parent, but only to be away from them.
It’s sad, but it’s all tied up together and hard to separate parenting woes from educational ones.
As you can see it can be a big bundle of a mess. However, I am always of the mind that you should never give up on the child. Even if a child reaches the age of adulthood, you can still help them to shore up skills to make them more adult ready..but it’s just harder because they are not as malleable. You have to get your kid on board then.
It’s easier to do when they are younger and when they are with you more of the time so you can mold them, than when they decided to leave the house and struggle because they may not be prepared adequately for adulthood.
So much goes into BOTH the parent and the child when a child is later. Possible, but harder…..